Talk about shocker... Bittersweet was the only word I could use to describe that day. What do we do? Do we say anything? Do we continue with our decision to adopt? All of these questions and more kept running through my mind at what seemed like a 100mph.
Adoption has been a dream for me since I was a child. I remember being 5 or 6 and telling my mother I would not have my own babies. I would adopt ALL of my kids. She laughed, told me I was crazy, and that one day I would have kids of my own. Well, that thought never left my mind. I have grown up wishing I could be that change in a child's life. Wishing I could be the best mommy I could be for a child who didn't have the same love I did from the start. After meeting Kev, I spoke to him about this dream of mine and I was crushed when he didn't share the same feelings towards adoption. Ten years later, he had a change of heart and thought "why not?"
We entered the journey together a few years back and worked really hard to meet all the quals. We chose to adopt via Spaulding For Children. They place children already in State custody into qualified homes. They help match you to the child that will benefit most in your particular home. We were thrilled to learn that we had been selected last July. I remember the joy of knowing we were so close to achieving our goal. I remember being scared that maybe I wouldn't be enough for these children.
I remember it all vividly and I remember the tears rolling down my face when I learned I had another baby in my womb. The tears were not in any way sadness for our pregnancy, they were a mix of joy for our new addition and sadness for the timing. Here I was, so close to achieving a life long dream when my little blessing threw me a curve ball. We came to the difficult conclusion that we needed to make the best choice for everyone involved. We weren't about to adopt one child but three... this had a lot to do with our dilemma. How could I be the best mom when I was hormonal, and not at all myself during this pregnancy. I wanted to be at my best to welcome these children, to have the time to dedicate to our transition. I simply couldn't see myself being 100% ----and maybe I could have been, I just may never know. I prayed for answers and cried many tears. Upon deciding to stop our adoption, I felt a heart ache I cannot describe. I felt I failed and let these kids down (even though they had never learned we were in the picture.) It's a feeling I don't care to feel every again.
I gathered my thoughts, counted my current blessings, and moved forward. I still think of the "what could have been." I still wonder if I made the right call that day. Somehow I think I might have been able to make it work. Realistically, I feel we are where we are supposed to be right now. I'm a strong believer in things happening for a reason. I still pray for my little ones who are out there somewhere. I pray that a suitable home was found for them and that they are happy. Currently, our life is revolving around our sons, including the one still kicking away in my belly. Life doesn't always turn out the way we hope, but it sure throws us unexpected surprises that simply light up the way to bigger and better days. I look forward to this journey with our new little one. I also look forward to the day when our adoption journey can continue. It might be painful to start the journey all over again, with the reminder of the past loss... but Kev and I are ready to take on whatever life brings. We might not be able to adopt another sibling group, but even if we can bring in one child out of foster care, I will rejoice and try my best to raise all of my children the best that I can. I'll be sure to take it one day at a time... I'm sure the path will lead us to where we are meant to be.
-Norm
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