So as so may as well already know, I'm pregnant with baby #5! I have so many mixed emotions about this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally anticipating the birth of this little mystery bundle of joy! The entire family is super excited to have another little one join our family. The hubby and I are ready for the challenge of raising our soon-to-be family of 7!!!
My mixed emotions come from the birth I am about to experience. I've done it 3 times before and I can't say it gets any easier. I didn't get to welcome my babies into the world the way I would have hoped. I still long for the ability of birthing my children naturally even though that desire will eventually turn into an unlikely event.
Baby #1 arrived via emergency c-section almost 13 years ago after a failed induction. I was due December 22nd and I distinctly remember my OB telling me he would really like to "get this baby out of me" before he was to go on Christmas Vacation. Naive Norma believed this would be possible 13 years ago. There was no one to tell me to wait... to let nature runs it's course... that babies don't stay in your uterus forever. Etc, etc... I figured my doctor knew what he was talking about and knew how to induce me successfully. I never knew how much my chances of a c-section would increase with this said induction. I never knew that I had the right to say "no, this is my body, my choice." I was 21, naive, and trusting of the medical system. Well 26 hours of induction, unbelievable Pitocin induced contractions, and a water rupture later... I was told my baby was simply not going to come on his own and he needed out. I was prepped for an emergency c-section and wheeled off to the operating room. My poor husband must have been so scared at the time. Neither one of us was prepared for this and I'm sure he never thought he would get to see what my guts look like by simply peeking over that dreaded sheet in the operating room. My baby was placed near my face so I could kiss him and for me to get a glimpse of him. I wish I could tell you that moment was carved into my memory... but it isn't. I was so doped up and sleep deprived that I have to really focus on that day to remember everything that happened. My baby was wished away to the nursery (a perfectly healthy baby I must add) and I was separated from him for the next 6-8 hours. It was awful. I never wanted to do this again. This wasn't the birth I imagined. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would be like this.
Baby #2 was conceived a little over 2 years later and I promised myself that I would do better. Be more aware. Be more picky about my provider. I promised myself a VBAC! I didn't know much (still, I know, silly me, research Norma, research!) about VBACs except that they were possible and that the success rate is very high for a healthy pregnancy. I did everything different. I exercised, interviewed doctors, ate "right." Healthy momma, healthy baby. I got to week 39 and I remember getting to my OB appointment excited to almost be at the finish line. I was going to do this! Well that excitement died quickly. My OB was very optimistic throughout the entire pregnancy and built me up... only to drop me like a sack of potatoes at this appointment. His words "it seems your hips are just not letting this baby come down. He's too high, you're already 39 weeks honey, a vbac just seems highly unlikely for you." My heart sank. Where do you go at 39 weeks? Who do you ask for a second opinion when you are this pregnant??? I was horrified that I had no back up plan and I was looking at a repeat c-section. Why was this happening to me??? There's no need for me to talk about this birth... you can simply scratch the induction part of the first birth and there you have it folks. Healthy baby, drugged up momma, baby is taken away for several hours... I have pictures of people coming to see me on the day I had my 2nd little bundle but no recollection of them being there. I truly thank my lucky stars that I had a healthy baby again and that I came out of surgery number two without complications, but this is truly not what I wanted in a birth and I had a long recovery ahead. Not only was my body healing from this procedure, but my heart from the feeling of failure I had just experienced for the second time.
Baby #3 came many years after the first two. I think I held out so long for this little guy because I still carried these birth stories with me. I had a lot of personal healing to overcome with my first two little guys. I'm sure not everyone takes a long time to heal from a csection but I did. I took it very hard. I felt I was just not ready to experience this again. After reading so much about the possibility of birthing naturally after 2 cesareans, I wanted to be a success story so badly! I felt that if I could achieve this, my heart would finally erase those scars I have carried with me over the years. My birth didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. You can read about it here. I wish I could tell you that I'm over all of this pain but I can't really say I'm moved on from it just yet. I really felt robbed after surgery number one and those feelings seem to intensify every time my body "failed" me.
Don't get me wrong, my healthy children are the light of my life. If I had to endure this all over again, I would do it in a heart beat. Would I make better decisions, yes? The outcome of the way I brought my babies into the world does not for one second change the way they make me feel. I adore them and I am so thankful to be their momma. One day, when they are all grown up and starting lives of their own, the hubby and I will be left here to talk about anything and everything under the sun. Maybe even how little this matters in the wide spectrum of our lives. I hope that if you're experiencing the same things I am, that one day you can reflect on how this life event (or events in my case) don't define you or me. Life brings on many struggles in different shapes and forms. While I'm recovering from a failed natural birth, another momma is visiting her child in the NICU, and another momma is waiting to finally conceive after many years of trying. We all walk difficult paths but always try to think of how this particular situation is building you up. Take something from it. I know I will...
Now that I'm facing c-section #4, I will try to get all my thoughts in order. I will focus on healing after this procedure. I hope to achieve a family centered cesarean where I will get to hold my baby and hopefully have my baby by my side during my entire stay at the hospital. I will focus on my complete and healthy family. If you have any words of encouragement, please share them. They will be very welcome! 26 weeks down, 14 weeks to go...
By the way, if you or someone you know is trying to attempt a VBAC birth, contact your local ICAN chapter. They have resources to help you along the way and can be your cheerleaders in this sometimes difficult journey! Good luck to you!
~Norm
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