Divorce

As a kid I would see divorce as a very foreign concept. It happened to others, I could empathize but I couldn't picture my family facing the struggles. My parents are old school... traditional... very Mexican in their ways so I never fathomed the thought of them ever splitting up. My mom and dad met many years ago and celebrated their 37year anniversary this past New Year's Day. Life seemingly was passing by as usual. Mom and Dad at home... us 7 kids grown up and leading our lives in different directions but still keeping connected. They were the anchors, we would wander away but always come back home.

In the living room of my parents' house was their wedding picture surrounded by individual portraits of all 7 of us. Along with pictures of the grand babies on the walls. Life, as any good 'ol Mexican family could imagine, was pretty darn good.

In May, things changed. The discovery of my father having an outside relationship shattered our family. After 37 years of marriage, this discovery shattered my mother as well. I tried talking to him, asking if therapy could help... but really, I think he was already past the point of listening to me or anyone else for that matter. To cut this part short... He's now gone. Living a few hours away. His life is a big mystery to me. 

I'm at a very strange crossroads in my life due to this. I feel very angry at him at this time. Not because he made a mistake (or what seems to be a mistake in my opinion) but because he seems unfazed by the waves he has caused in our family. We are all hurting to some degree but I haven't seen a single apology come through. Not for any one of us. It might be selfish for me to want an apology, but I don't think it is. There's no communication, no expression of feelings on his end and it's driving me bananas. I've asked him for a mailing address so the kids can send him projects and pictures they make but drew a blank... he has no mailing address. -_-   I don't know where he lives, I don't know where he works (if he works.) I only know his phone number. 

Recently, with a loss in our family, he showed no concern for how any of us were dealing with the tragic loss. That was a tough moment for me, for all of us. I'm not implying that he didn't care, but simply that he showed no concern. Sometimes I try to understand where he stands and then I get extremely frustrated and angry so I give up. I don't understand him, I don't understand his action or lack of. I'm not ok with him ignoring all the issues at hand. 

I've been reading a lot about anger. How to let go. How to not be angry. How to move on. These are all great things to read about but they are easier said than done for sure. I don't like being trapped in this angry state. I want to let it all go and just live a happy life, but I am overcome with guilt because I don't see him in that picture. I don't want to permanently hurt him in case these feeling eventually fade, he IS my father after all. Once I hurt him, it would be extremely difficult to take those words back. This is all very overwhelming and I wish I had clear answers on how to handle all this recent drama. 

I will continue to live day to day... I will continue to love my kids... I will continue to try to go about life with a little less hurt each day. 

Sometimes life throws us some really steep curves... I think my life has hit a few in the past couple few months. I want to surround myself with positivity and love... I want to overcome these feelings... time and patience is in order... I will hold on to faith and look forward to brighter days. 

~Norm