Life happens... and death too.

I've been finding the words simply don't flow very easily these days. It seems that when it comes to death, I hit road blocks.

On September 14th I lost my cousin and second cousin in a terrible car accident. My life was forever changed in the blink of an eye.

That Friday night (the 13th) I had a brief chat with my dear cousin via Facebook. She expressed missing us and wanting to head up to see us (she lived about 6 hours south of here.) The news at the time was buzzing with the coming hurricane (which was scheduled to hit her home town in less than 48 hours.) There was on and off showers in her area and I remember telling her via chat that I didn't know if the roads were safe for travel. I was truly concerned about the roads but I never imagined my world would be flipped upside down in less than 24 hrs.

She and I didn't say goodbye... we didn't say I'll see you later... I didn't even express my love in that chat. I didn't say I love you... and it eats me up inside...

The following morning, we started our day by taking Ty to his soccer game and after getting rained out, heard from my Aunt asking if we could please call her as soon as my cousins arrived. It was only 10:30 am and she was already checking on her little girl... we said of course we will call and we love you too...

Estimated arrival time was about 2pm... and no word... delay is all I could think... Traffic, rain, you know, delays...

4pm came and went and I heard from my aunt again, reassured her that it could be traffic.. never thinking of the unimaginable.

After an afternoon of no word from my cousin, I really was wondering what could possibly be wrong. See, she was traveling here from Mexico and with all their headlines of violence and hurricanes, I was scared that she might not be ok. Then again, there had been times she had arrived and hit the mall before coming over... I didn't know what to think, what to do, who to call. I didn't want to stress out my Aunt in case we were jumping to conclusions but by 8 or 9 that evening, my mom decided to just call and find out if there was any word from anyone. At that moment, the world stopped. My Aunt was crushed so my mom spoke to a neighbor who happened to be at my aunt's house. The news made it's way to our family and I sobbed. I sobbed like a child. I don't think I've cried this way in many years. Heart felt heavy sobs that filled my chest with pain. Why? One always asks why... Why her, why her son? She didn't have an easy life but always worked so hard... A young mommy with her 12 year old baby boy, excited to come see us for the weekend only to end their lives. I may never understand this tragedy. I miss her and him terribly. I want to hold them and say I love you. I want to tell them how much they mean to me and how my life will never be the same without them. I want to laugh with them one more time... I want to tell them how proud I am to be their family. I know she knew all of this... but I want to say it again...

Since I won't get this opportunity in this lifetime, I will have to wait until we meet again. In the mean time, I need time to heal. I need to learn to let go of this heavy pain. It hasn't been an easy task but I know that it takes time to heal these deep wounds.

I need to fill my heart with the good memories of us playing in her backyard as children. The mischief we caused while playing at my aunt's house so many times... I need to remember our visits to Mexico and her big smile as she took us shopping downtown. I need to remember the nights out at the club where she would dance with the greatest dance moves I've ever seen while I sat back thinking I could never move that smoothly. I need to remember her smile, her laughter, her energy, her love. I need to remember his love for action figures and video games, his goofy smile when I would embarrass him (because he wasn't a baby any more.) His love for cheeseburgers and pizza upon visiting us here in the States. I need to remember that first time I saw her holding her baby boy... new mommy, holding her skinny little guy. I need to remember us chasing our kiddos together... There's so many good memories... I just need to keep these alive in my heart. I love them, more than I could ever express...

R. America B.D.A.  (1982-2013)

Oscar G. B.B. (2001-2013)

I have a long healing journey ahead, if you have any words of advice on overcoming this deep pain, please feel free to share them.

~Norm